The Way I See The World These Days
January 6, 2025
One of the best ‘connectors’ I use in my workshops comes from adult development thought leader, Jennifer Garvey Berger. She taught me to ask a few key questions to a group, especially after a vacation, a summer off, etc. She suggests these two for sure:
- What surprises you about how you are seeing the world these days?
- How might I have to ‘update’ the way I make sense of you?
You will need to update how you see me by adding a piece to my identity as I am a person in mourning. My partner of four years, Stewart Levine, died of multiple myeloma right before Thanksgiving. I am stretching at my edges to learn how to live with his loss. I am beyond grateful for his love, his ever present smile, and his passion for life. I am participating in the human experience of grieving a loss of a loved one, as so many of us have done and will do.
Also a communications consultant and author, Stewart wished for us two to be in a relationship with very little ‘static’ – and ideally no static at all! To get to that goal of less emotion friction, every Sunday we did a Check In. The first four questions one partner was to ask the other were:
- How do you feel about me today?
- What did you appreciate most about me this week?
- Is there anything you feel incomplete about from this past week that you’d like to talk about?
- What do you wish I had done more of this week?
For two communications consultants who worked to assist others in having hard conversations, the third question was essential. We wanted to be able to speak up around what matters to us and have less baggage, fewer hurt feelings and a decrease in any emotional friction between the two of us.
We would laugh at that if we couldn’t speak about difficult things to each other, we surely had no business helping others doing so! It wasn’t easy to hear what I had done that was hurtful or stung or was dismissive, but learning what wasn’t working for one’s partner was and is super important. Stewart taught me to sit in discomfort, to listen to hard truths, and to manage my emotional hygiene. I learned how to not get too dramatic in response to his feedback or become super defensive as a result of his responses but instead to learn to reflect, to take responsibility, to apologize, and to ‘grow up’ in relationship.
There is so much I learned from my relationship with Stewart around how to be a more humane human being. Checking In changed how we ‘collaborated’ – and it can be applied in personal and professional ways.
Ask yourself:
- Might the Check In questions be helpful to ask on my teams or in my personal life?
- Where is there static in my partnerships and collaborations that I might be contributing to and in 2025 how can I work to lessen it?
- What might I do to build up some internal emotional muscle so I can receive feedback that would be helpful to hear?
- What might I do to strengthen my capacity to be able to have hard conversations that need to happen to decrease the emotional friction in my life?
- Where can I work on not bringing emotional pollution into a situation but handle myself with greater psychological maturity?
There is a sadness in my life right now and there is also BIG gratitude. As Howard Zinn said, “To live now as we think human beings should live, in defiance of all that is bad around us, is itself a marvelous victory.” I will stretch at my edges around living with loss (as so many of us are doing) and I hope 2025 is year of emotional and psychological growth for us all.
Questions, comments, or suggestions? Feel free to email me at jennifer@jenniferabrams.com.
Cool Resources
A Time to Grieve: Meditations for Healing After the Death of a Loved One by Carol Staudacher – “A collection of truly comforting, down-to-earth thoughts and meditations — including the authentic voices of survivors — for anyone grieving the loss of a loved one.”
Giving Pillow by Demdaco – “The most caring gift you can give is your heart and a hug. The Cream Giving Heart Weighted Pillow from our Giving Collection® is a thoughtful way to provide comfort.”
Perseverance by Margaret J. Wheatley – “In this inspiring and beautifully illustrated book, bestselling author Margaret Wheatley offers guidance to people everywhere for how to persevere through challenges in their personal lives, with their families, at their workplaces, in their communities, and in their struggles to make a better world. She provides hope, wisdom, and perspective for learning the discipline of perseverance.”
